Lately, I have been doing this thing called missionary work. It normally doesn’t take much for God to convince me at times that I need some pruning done in my life but when I say I have been exposed to some weak areas in life the last few weeks I mean it. I think I knew that God was going to do something extraordinary while I was here but I honestly thought it would be with ministering to the community around me but if anything they have been ministering to me. I have been discovering areas in my life that I forgot were existed. Because of this reason I feel as though God put it on my heart to write what exactly has been bothering my spirit.
It’s like 12:00 a.m. right now but for some reason this is the time of the night when God speaks to me or I get this overwhelming desire to read, pray, or worship.
Let me begin this session of expressing what has been going through my mind by stating the obvious. The feelings I got today and a week ago are nothing new. I dealt with these same emotions as a child and every once a year since. Almost always it occurs when I am around a group of women or people I have never been around before. I get so insecure. In middle school, I would constantly keep a guy in some form or fashion. This way I would always feel important by getting attention from a guy to make me feel beautiful. I would seek confirmation of how pretty I was or how I was worth the world to them. You know how love is in the eighth grade. I was also consistently bullied and made fun of majority of my life. This caused me serious self esteem issues. When I got to high school I dealt with things differently and sought to love and affection in a different way. I would do just about anything to feel accepted especially by guys. I always felt the need to be in a relationship in order to fill this void in my life. I was seeking the love of God in all the wrong places. I think my main concern in life was to fit in (let’s face it I’m different and unique) then I met these wonderful group of women who loved God and me for who I was. Don’t get me wrong I still had my flings and relationships with men but my junior year of high school they taught me how to change the way I viewed God. I grew up attending church religiously but I never had friends at school who had real relationships with God and talked about him like he was their best friend. I went from feeling unwanted, unworthy, and empty to tolerant of who I was. The only problem is that I learned to tolerate the idea that God made me so I must be beautiful, neglecting to fall in love with myself.
If you have ever seen the movie The Duff, then you know that “duff” stands for “designated ugly fat friend.” If that doesn’t explain my whole life. I think almost all of my friends are gorgeous and wonderful women. So being the woman I am I compare myself at times and I am that designated ugly fat friend. I am by the world’s view the least attractive person in the group and fat. It makes you a little self conscious and insecure if you are always getting hit on and your just that person the cute guy talks to in order to find out if your friend is single. I swear even in college this happens a lot. It doesn’t help that I have spent the last three years of life single (I have no regrets). Some days are good others are not so good.
Now let me just tell you how this has crossed over into my internship on the other side of the country. I have been in this constant battle of self hate. I have felt bitter, emotional, and not good enough. First of all I have been walking a LOT which my body didn’t even know existed with the amount of hills and elevation where I am. But I can say that I have just kept going even though my body is dramatic and signals to me that were dying. When you are walking with a large group of people I cannot tell you how insecure you can get. Especially when you are a large woman and everybody walks fast. I swear I thought I was walking uphill at the fastest rate the other day. I was slowly getting out of breathe and my arms were just going in (I could feel the wind) and my little short butt was not going anywhere. You can probably just imagine this short, chubby girl swinging like she is running but only going no where in distance. Anyway at some point I just stop trying as I watch the group I’m with slowly disappear in front of me. At this moment, every week during our hikes or trips to downtown, I notice how fat I am. Then, I welcome thoughts of insecurities. I can’t help but think how fat and disgusting I am or here I am again being a burden to everyone whose leaving the fat person again. I start to feel ugly, emotional, extremely insecure, and wonder if anyone will ever care.
Today, it consumed me and I didn’t know why I was upset and emotional then God hinted to me that I don’t find myself beautiful. Then, I found myself cursing God. I remembering thinking “God why wasn’t I given a high metabolism like my sisters? If you were going to my me fat my whole life why didn’t you give me a nice fat but thick shape like the plus size models? God why do the guys I’m attracted to never find me attractive? God why do I have to go through this?” I was just so upset to the point where I thought about my entire life. What I normally do when I get like this is avoid it or talk to my friends who tell me I am beautiful so I can get over it. Today, I responded to what I knew. I told myself and God, “It’s not good enough to be beautiful on the inside if I don’t feel the same on the outside.” At that moment I shut down. Not until later at night did I hear God say, “You haven’t healed. I need you to heal.” You see all my life even as a girl I have never actually been comfortable in the body that God gave me. This makes it hard for me to love myself. No matter how much I have tried to avoid this area of my life it always seems to come back and hit me in the chest. In other words, “No matter where you go or what you do to distract yourself, reality catches up with you eventually” (The Duff). If you are not comfortable in your skin it doesn’t matter what people say about you, you are going to believe what you see.
Tonight, I am reminded that at this moment I not only need to accept the flesh/body that God has given me but also, fall in love with myself. If God can create the mountains, hills, valleys, oceans, flowers, butterflies and still see me as his greatest creation then why am I not beautiful inside and out. A lot of the reason why we constantly feel worthless is because we try to seek beauty through the eyes of the world. Even now I know God is like what is your identity in me Domonique? Haven’t I already to you who you are and who you belong to? Why don’t you believe me? We have to fall in love with ourselves by discovering ourselves through the eyes of God.
In this world I have seem myself fall short of God because of the things people have said about me in my past. Even from my childhood, I still go back and see what i wasn’t good enough in failing to see what I was good in. Today, now, I am working on loving who I am and the body God gave me because it is good. Inside and out there is beauty. I dont need bullies or people telling me what they see it only matters what God and I think and that’s who I become.
This post has went in a completely different direction then I originally hoped but I pray that it has spoken to someone. Here are a few points to ponder:
- Is there an area in your life where God needs you to grow? (Level up)
- Are you ignoring what could be hindering your growth in God?
- Where has God healed you but you constantly turn back to? Why is it so easy to go back to something that God has clearly seen as a hindrance for his plans?
If you would like to leave a comment or response do as you please. Until next time here is a prayer.
“God, heavenly Father, I just want to acknowledge your presence and love. We welcome you into our hearts and spirits. You have a such an amazing love and eye for beauty. There is no way that we can live everyday and miss your fingerprints on this earth. God in this world it is so easy to get lost in the world of social media and the standards of earthly beauty. God help us not to feel pressured to live up to those standards. I pray that each person reading this blog will have a new perspective of beauty and will find a different love for themselves. God in areas where we are weak you make us strong. So as we continue throughout the days you have placed us on this earth let us not continue to live life without truly being healed from our past and situations. God teach us to love and ourselves so that we can love and treat others the way we want to be treated. God if we are ever hurting I pray for healing. God if we ever feel worthless I pray that you will give us worth. God if we ever feel insecure I pray you will give us confidence. Just as Jesus was born with the holy spirit God let the holy spirit tell us who you are in us. God let us know who our identity is in you once and for all. God I pray that we will not dwell in the past but move on to the future. (continue in silent prayer if needed) Amen.”