So here I am probably two years since I posted a decent blog post. Do I still have followers? Who really knows. Ahh.. I. Have. Missed. This! It’s like being at the beach and finally taking a breath of fresh air. Listening to the ocean and just taking it in all in. I sense a feeling of peace like where has the sound of the keyboard clacking been my whole life. But really how has the blog world been..?. Oh okay, I hope I haven’t missed much. This is going to sound really weird, but I remember the last post I made. I haven’t read it and really don’t care to read it. Why, because I know I lied on it and halfway through wanting to read it I realized how fake it probably was but I have zero regrets.
Man have I aged. The difference between 24 and 26 is pretty much becoming an adult and adulting. At 24, well at the time of me blogging, I was on this path of self-discovery with Jesus. I had just rededicated my life to Christ and I was on fire for Jesus, but nobody ever talks about what happens when you stop believing in your faith. I mean when you hit complete rock bottom. When your hunger and thirst leaves. I had withdraws and I questioned my entire being. Halfway through my rebirth I left religion and went into my sunken place. There is a name for and I know it because Amanda warned me about it. I met her at the beginning of my spiral. She went through these phases that Christians or believers go through. I went from floating on clouds and spending hours with the holy spirit in prayer and practicing listening to his voice to not even wanting to open my bible and read. That went into year 25.
YEAR 25 was by far the most loneliest, insecure, transitioning, confusing time of my life. It carried over into 26 and gosh-darn-it I am just now getting to a place where everything has been taken from me and I AM TIRED of BEING DEFEATED by this world. I mean really I am tired of people pleasing and it carried over into my faith. Everything became a checklist and trying to please God. Did you know that was the most miserable thing anybody could do? Trying to please God and people according to their needs. Like really. Why did I allow it to go on for so long? I have been neglecting my own needs to the point where I don’t even know what my needs are and how to fulfill them in healthy ways. I have picked up so many unhealthy habits in the last two years then I have my entire Christian walk (I gave my life to Christ at 12 so 14 years). I went back to what was familiar to my flesh.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t like change! Especially a lot of change at once. Sometimes, I like the comfort of what is familiar. Lj (let’s just call him this) was my familiar. He was something that I clung to from my past. We met when we were in middle school, his sister was my best friend. Of course I cheated on him. Well… I left him for another guy. Then, in high school, we somehow started back talking again until he went to jail… Then, I graduated high school and he got out. I went back to him and he brought out a side of me I didn’t know existed. It was like the Mary J. Blige song “Mr. Wrong.” She sings this one part in the chorus that goes, “me and Mr. Wrong get along so good, even though he breaks my heart so bad.” I tried things my flesh never knew it wanted to desire. It was a toxic relationship. He was so possessive of me in a way I never knew someone could ever feel about me. I strung him along and felt a sense of purpose with him while he had that same unhealthy love for me. We wanted to be with each other all the time. My family and friends didn’t want us together. But the lovesick younger me wanted to be with him every second of the day and when I left him he begged me to come back. I thought it was love. He cheated on me this time and I got even. He got even crazier about me. Little did I know how much his lifestyle exposed me to danger. From him driving my car, stealing things and getting in my car, and only God knows what else. Then, when I was 19, Lj went to prison. I told him I would wait on him and I did for a while. In 2013, when God completely took me out of my norm and revitalized or resuscitated my life with the holy spirit, I told him that God told me we weren’t supposed to be together. It broke my heart to leave him. He still contacted me and even wrote me a letter about him getting married. Honestly, I thought that was the end of it.
Here comes the boom:
In the middle of YEAR 25, Lj gets out of prison on parole. Guess what this is still not a good time for me. Remember, 25 was probably the most confusing time ever for me and then God had a little chat with the enemy about who can he devour and the Lord goes Domonique seems to be struggling with some stuff, BOOM let’s just add a little bit of Lj, insert him right here. I think she can handle it along with being a first-year teacher (a whole nother story). Y’all Lj came and legit pushed me back and shook me into reality. I wished I had changed my number from middle school (Yes, I still have my ORIGINAL phone number from my black SINGULAR— original at&t— flip phone from 8th grade). I let him back into my life after being what I considered strong for a month. I let him in. Let me to tell you Lj came and was used to steal, kill, and destroy. I keep like trying to flash back to September and October last year to figure out when all this went south and I can’t come to terms. I knew I was not in a good place and a part of me didn’t care. I wanted what was familiar. I wanted to give him a chance and deep down inside I was hoping to have a Gucci and Keyshia Ka’oir moment turned gospel. I thought he had changed in prison. He fed me lies and knew God was my weakness. He tried to tell me his “testimony.” I was like YASS! Lies. He knew what to say and how to say it. But the day our phone conversations turned into a public meeting, face to face. I couldn’t help it. I did everything I told myself I would not do. Went back to my old ways and he loved it.
Every week I became more and more lost. I found myself lying to family and friends about who I was with, what I was doing. I didn’t want anybody judging me. OMGosh I was so far gone. He started getting possessive of me again and once we made a soul tie I didn’t know how to get out. He cheated on me multiple times, got someone pregnant, stole and wrecked my car, stole money from me and I forgave him. The worst part is when I purchased my home and he moved in. He disrespected me on a whole other level and he blamed me and I blamed myself, and I just knew he loved me. When I tried to take control he got angry and manipulated me. I got physical and he got physical. It was a mess. I didn’t understand how someone could hurt me and claim to love me. I remember reading 1 Corinthians 13 one day to him. Believe it or not, but I really fought to keep God apart of my life. I told him, you say you believe in God and that you love me and want to marry me but are you showing me love the way that God says you are supposed to. His interpretation of the bible and having a relationship with God was so twisted and scary. It was like what I had been experiencing with my own faith, confusion. I knew it was not right and I tried to get help and leave, but my flesh was not ready to let go. It would take me a full week to kick him out my house then he would tell me he had nowhere else to go and I would take him back in under new boundaries that were always broken. I eventually got sick and tired. I needed help. I had to get family and friends involved. I told them, I am not strong enough to do this by myself. After that, I still struggled, by now I had people praying for me. The day I told God I need your help, I need him out my life for good, do what you have to do to keep him away from me, he allowed us to have one more fight that involved him getting my car hit again right in front of my house. He left as soon as I discovered the now dent on the side of my car. It took that to get him out after I had been trying for two weeks.
For the first time in a long time, I found myself truly alone, in my house and away from opinions. Not to mention all the things that God allowed to be taken from me. I lost my job, got kicked out of school, and my finances and credit score took a dive.
YEAR 26 I have arrived empty. In the midst of all this confusion about who I am and what God has called me to do, I have found myself not wanting people to help me. I purposely didn’t seek help from the usual people I would go to. I have just come to the realization that I did this not to stay where I was, but so I wouldn’t idolize the people helping me which is soo easy at times. I really just needed to read my bible. The word. His word. What does God say? Like there are so many opinions in this world and really that alone time has tested my faith the most. I want the truth. I need God’s word. That’s all I’m saying and my pastor, my mom, my friend, or the psychic down the road can’t be my source for this healing process. I need my heart to heart with God. Yesterday, I sat and came to God with everything. Like this was my altar call. I asked God to come into my heart. I invited him in and he wrecked me to a place I haven’t been in years. I really don’t regret the past two years. I feel like I needed to be in this place of emptying everything from my past just to hear God’s voice. Just to know how to heal God’s way and away from the voice of others. I needed to question my beliefs and the choices I made. I needed to be broken so my only desire is God.
This turned out to be a lot longer than originally planned, but I hope that this helps someone. Whew chile did I miss this blogging thing.