Arriving on Empty

So here I am probably two years since I posted a decent blog post. Do I still have followers? Who really knows. Ahh.. I. Have. Missed. This! It’s like being at the beach and finally taking a breath of fresh air. Listening to the ocean and just taking it in all in. I sense a feeling of peace like where has the sound of the keyboard clacking been my whole life. But really how has the blog world been..?. Oh okay, I hope I haven’t missed much. This is going to sound really weird, but I remember the last post I made. I haven’t read it and really don’t care to read it. Why, because I know I lied on it and halfway through wanting to read it I realized how fake it probably was but I have zero regrets.

Man have I aged. The difference between 24 and 26 is pretty much becoming an adult and adulting. At 24, well at the time of me blogging, I was on this path of self-discovery with Jesus. I had just rededicated my life to Christ and I was on fire for Jesus, but nobody ever talks about what happens when you stop believing in your faith. I mean when you hit complete rock bottom. When your hunger and thirst leaves. I had withdraws and I questioned my entire being. Halfway through my rebirth I left religion and went into my sunken place. There is a name for and I know it because Amanda warned me about it. I met her at the beginning of my spiral. She went through these phases that Christians or believers go through. I went from floating on clouds and spending hours with the holy spirit in prayer and practicing listening to his voice to not even wanting to open my bible and read. That went into year 25.

YEAR 25 was by far the most loneliest, insecure, transitioning, confusing time of my life. It carried over into 26 and gosh-darn-it I am just now getting to a place where everything has been taken from me and I AM TIRED of BEING DEFEATED by this world. I mean really I am tired of people pleasing and it carried over into my faith. Everything became a checklist and trying to please God. Did you know that was the most miserable thing anybody could do? Trying to please God and people according to their needs. Like really. Why did I allow it to go on for so long? I have been neglecting my own needs to the point where I don’t even know what my needs are and how to fulfill them in healthy ways. I have picked up so many unhealthy habits in the last two years then I have my entire Christian walk (I gave my life to Christ at 12 so 14 years). I went back to what was familiar to my flesh.

Storytime:

I don’t know about you, but I don’t like change! Especially a lot of change at once. Sometimes, I like the comfort of what is familiar. Lj (let’s just call him this) was my familiar. He was something that I clung to from my past. We met when we were in middle school, his sister was my best friend. Of course I cheated on him. Well… I left him for another guy. Then, in high school, we somehow started back talking again until he went to jail… Then, I graduated high school and he got out. I went back to him and he brought out a side of me I didn’t know existed. It was like the Mary J. Blige song “Mr. Wrong.” She sings this one part in the chorus that goes, “me and Mr. Wrong get along so good, even though he breaks my heart so bad.” I tried things my flesh never knew it wanted to desire. It was a toxic relationship. He was so possessive of me in a way I never knew someone could ever feel about me. I strung him along and felt a sense of purpose with him while he had that same unhealthy love for me. We wanted to be with each other all the time. My family and friends didn’t want us together. But the lovesick younger me wanted to be with him every second of the day and when I left him he begged me to come back. I thought it was love. He cheated on me this time and I got even. He got even crazier about me. Little did I know how much his lifestyle exposed me to danger. From him driving my car, stealing things and getting in my car, and only God knows what else. Then, when I was 19, Lj went to prison. I told him I would wait on him and I did for a while. In 2013, when God completely took me out of my norm and revitalized or resuscitated my life with the holy spirit, I told him that God told me we weren’t supposed to be together. It broke my heart to leave him. He still contacted me and even wrote me a letter about him getting married. Honestly, I thought that was the end of it.

Here comes the boom:

In the middle of YEAR 25, Lj gets out of prison on parole. Guess what this is still not a good time for me. Remember, 25 was probably the most confusing time ever for me and then God had a little chat with the enemy about who can he devour and the Lord goes Domonique seems to be struggling with some stuff, BOOM let’s just add a little bit of Lj, insert him right here. I think she can handle it along with being a first-year teacher (a whole nother story). Y’all Lj came and legit pushed me back and shook me into reality. I wished I had changed my number from middle school (Yes, I still have my ORIGINAL phone number from my black SINGULAR— original at&t— flip phone from 8th grade). I let him back into my life after being what I considered strong for a month. I let him in. Let me to tell you Lj came and was used to steal, kill, and destroy. I keep like trying to flash back to September and October last year to figure out when all this went south and I can’t come to terms. I knew I was not in a good place and a part of me didn’t care. I wanted what was familiar. I wanted to give him a chance and deep down inside I was hoping to have a Gucci and Keyshia Ka’oir moment turned gospel. I thought he had changed in prison. He fed me lies and knew God was my weakness. He tried to tell me his “testimony.” I was like YASS! Lies. He knew what to say and how to say it. But the day our phone conversations turned into a public meeting, face to face. I couldn’t help it. I did everything I told myself I would not do. Went back to my old ways and he loved it.

Every week I became more and more lost. I found myself lying to family and friends about who I was with, what I was doing. I didn’t want anybody judging me. OMGosh I was so far gone. He started getting possessive of me again and once we made a soul tie I didn’t know how to get out. He cheated on me multiple times, got someone pregnant, stole and wrecked my car, stole money from me and I forgave him. The worst part is when I purchased my home and he moved in. He disrespected me on a whole other level and he blamed me and I blamed myself, and I just knew he loved me. When I tried to take control he got angry and manipulated me. I got physical and he got physical. It was a mess. I didn’t understand how someone could hurt me and claim to love me. I remember reading 1 Corinthians 13 one day to him. Believe it or not, but I really fought to keep God apart of my life. I told him, you say you believe in God and that you love me and want to marry me but are you showing me love the way that God says you are supposed to. His interpretation of the bible and having a relationship with God was so twisted and scary. It was like what I had been experiencing with my own faith, confusion. I knew it was not right and I tried to get help and leave, but my flesh was not ready to let go. It would take me a full week to kick him out my house then he would tell me he had nowhere else to go and I would take him back in under new boundaries that were always broken. I eventually got sick and tired. I needed help. I had to get family and friends involved. I told them, I am not strong enough to do this by myself. After that, I still struggled, by now I had people praying for me. The day I told God I need your help, I need him out my life for good, do what you have to do to keep him away from me, he allowed us to have one more fight that involved him getting my car hit again right in front of my house. He left as soon as I discovered the now dent on the side of my car. It took that to get him out after I had been trying for two weeks.

For the first time in a long time, I found myself truly alone, in my house and away from opinions. Not to mention all the things that God allowed to be taken from me. I lost my job, got kicked out of school, and my finances and credit score took a dive.

And now:

YEAR 26 I have arrived empty. In the midst of all this confusion about who I am and what God has called me to do, I have found myself not wanting people to help me. I purposely didn’t seek help from the usual people I would go to. I have just come to the realization that I did this not to stay where I was, but so I wouldn’t idolize the people helping me which is soo easy at times. I really just needed to read my bible. The word. His word. What does God say? Like there are so many opinions in this world and really that alone time has tested my faith the most. I want the truth. I need God’s word. That’s all I’m saying and my pastor, my mom, my friend, or the psychic down the road can’t be my source for this healing process. I need my heart to heart with God. Yesterday, I sat and came to God with everything. Like this was my altar call. I asked God to come into my heart. I invited him in and he wrecked me to a place I haven’t been in years. I really don’t regret the past two years. I feel like I needed to be in this place of emptying everything from my past just to hear God’s voice. Just to know how to heal God’s way and away from the voice of others. I needed to question my beliefs and the choices I made. I needed to be broken so my only desire is God.

This turned out to be a lot longer than originally planned, but I hope that this helps someone. Whew chile did I miss this blogging thing.

Until next time,

Dom xoxo

The Breaks In Between

Where have I been. Well let’s just say I have taken the biggest break ever from blogging. You know different seasons in your life require different actions.

Well, Ironically enough today marks the anniversary of my blog. I had no idea until I decided to give my blog some attention. I have missed writing and telling everyone about my journey and experience with developing an intimate relationship with God. I will be completely honest, I think I needed to just take a year to discover who I am. Before, I was blogging and in my honeymoon stage of rededicating my life to God. Then, the summer came and that honeymoon stage was over.

The biggest struggle I have had this past year is realizing that I am called to be set apart. I have a special calling on my life just like everyone in this world. The only thing that makes me different is that I have accepted Jesus as the Lord of my life and the calling on my life. The moment I rededicated my life to Christ, I struggled with balancing my flesh and my spirit man. For example, I can’t watch or listen to certain music, TV shows, or movies anymore. It will either bother me or influence me. I know everyone’s spiritual journey is different, but for me, I am heavily influenced by the music I listen to and watch. It like my body knows reality shows or scary movies messes with my spirit. Even as a child, I would cover my mouth whenever I watched scary movies, because I didn’t want it to get inside of me. I literally thought whatever was on the TV I could breathe in and it would affect me. Y’all even as a child I was on to something. I knew nothing about demonic attacks, but I knew something was bad when I saw it. Anyway, now I know that this world of binge watching Hulu or Netflix takes away from my purpose. So, as a professional procrastinator and movie/binge watcher it has been a hard year and I am still working on not watching too much TV. Even social media messes with my spirit man.

I realize that a lot of my people look at me weird when I say oh, I don’t watch Star or Orange is the New Black anymore. Or when one of my friends get in the car and I automatically go to my oldies music or KLOVE as my go to playlist or radio station. I just know the way I am set up I can’t do the things I use to and I don’t mind it. In the same way, I have been trying not to be too spiritual. You know what I mean… Like I can’t reach anyone or have regular conversation with people. This has probably been one of my biggest struggles. On a serious note, I really wanted to watch the new season of The Handmaid’s Tale, but I know that it has some twisted stuff in it that is going to mess with me spiritually. It can be tempting because I read the book and I just want to know how they interpret the ending.

Anybody else struggling in this area?

Flesh VS. Spirit. It is so easy to listen to my flesh and be like it’s okay, just watch whatever you want. But.. I love my relationship with God and what he is doing in my life too much. If I’m completely honest, I can live without watching all the junk coming out on TV nowadays. I have so much more peace just spending time with God and discovering my gifts. I’ve learned that I love photography, teaching, singing, and hanging out with people. I couldn’t pursue most of these gifts if I didn’t spend time practicing them and spending time with God.

Until next time,

Dom xoxo

The Duff (It’s about perspective)

Lately, I have been doing this thing called missionary work. It normally doesn’t take much for God to convince me at times that I need some pruning done in my life but when I say I have been exposed to some weak areas in life the last few weeks I mean it. I think I knew that God was going to do something extraordinary while I was here but I honestly thought it would be with ministering to the community around me but if anything they have been ministering to me. I have been discovering areas in my life that I forgot were existed. Because of this reason I feel as though God put it on my heart to write what exactly has been bothering my spirit.

It’s like 12:00 a.m. right now but for some reason this is the time of the night when God speaks to me or I get this overwhelming desire to read, pray, or worship.

Let me begin this session of expressing what has been going through my mind by stating the obvious. The feelings I got today and a week ago are nothing new. I dealt with these same emotions as a child and every once a year since. Almost always it occurs when I am around a group of women or people I have never been around before. I get so insecure. In middle school, I would constantly keep a guy in some form or fashion. This way I would always feel important by getting attention from a guy to make me feel beautiful. I would seek confirmation of how pretty I was or how I was worth the world to them. You know how love is in the eighth grade. I was also consistently bullied and made fun of majority of my life. This caused me serious self esteem issues. When I got to high school I dealt with things differently and sought to love and affection in a different way. I would do just about anything to feel accepted especially by guys. I always felt the need to be in a relationship in order to fill this void in my life. I was seeking the love of God in all the wrong places. I think my main concern in life was to fit in (let’s face it I’m different and unique) then I met these wonderful group of women who loved God and me for who I was. Don’t get me wrong I still had my flings and relationships with men but my junior year of high school they taught me how to change the way I viewed God. I grew up attending church religiously but I never had friends at school who had real relationships with God and talked about him like he was their best friend. I went from feeling unwanted, unworthy, and empty to tolerant of who I was. The only problem is that I learned to tolerate the idea that God made me so I must be beautiful, neglecting to fall in love with myself.

If you have ever seen the movie The Duff, then you know that “duff” stands for “designated ugly fat friend.” If that doesn’t explain my whole life. I think almost all of my friends are gorgeous and wonderful women. So being the woman I am I compare myself at times and I am that designated ugly fat friend. I am by the world’s view the least attractive person in the group and fat. It makes you a little self conscious and insecure if you are always getting hit on and your just that person the cute guy talks to in order to find out if your friend is single. I swear even in college this happens a lot. It doesn’t help that I have spent the last three years of life single (I have no regrets). Some days are good others are not so good.

Now let me just tell you how this has crossed over into my internship on the other side of the country. I have been in this constant battle of self hate. I have felt bitter, emotional, and not good enough. First of all I have been walking a LOT which my body didn’t even know existed with the amount of hills and elevation where I am. But I can say that I have just kept going even though my body is dramatic and signals to me that were dying. When you are walking with a large group of people I cannot tell you how insecure you can get. Especially when you are a large woman and everybody walks fast. I swear I thought I was walking uphill at the fastest rate the other day. I was slowly getting out of breathe and my arms were just going in (I could feel the wind) and my little short butt was not going anywhere. You can probably just imagine this short, chubby girl swinging like she is running but only going no where in distance. Anyway at some point I just stop trying as I watch the group I’m with slowly disappear in front of me. At this moment, every week during our hikes or trips to downtown, I notice how fat I am. Then, I welcome thoughts of insecurities. I can’t help but think how fat and disgusting I am or here I am again being a burden to everyone whose leaving the fat person again. I start to feel ugly, emotional, extremely insecure, and wonder if anyone will ever care.

Today, it consumed me and I didn’t know why I was upset and emotional then God hinted to me that I don’t find myself beautiful. Then, I found myself cursing God. I remembering thinking “God why wasn’t I given a high metabolism like my sisters? If you were going to my me fat my whole life why didn’t you give me a nice fat but thick shape like the plus size models? God why do the guys I’m attracted to never find me attractive? God why do I have to go through this?” I was just so upset to the point where I thought about my entire life. What I normally do when I get like this is avoid it or talk to my friends who tell me I am beautiful so I can get over it. Today, I responded to what I knew. I told myself and God, “It’s not good enough to be beautiful on the inside if I don’t feel the same on the outside.” At that moment I shut down. Not until later at night did I hear God say, “You haven’t healed. I need you to heal.” You see all my life even as a girl I have never actually been comfortable in the body that God gave me. This makes it hard for me to love myself. No matter how much I have tried to avoid this area of my life it always seems to come back and hit me in the chest. In other words, “No matter where you go or what you do to distract yourself, reality catches up with you eventually” (The Duff). If you are not comfortable in your skin it doesn’t matter what people say about you, you are going to believe what you see.

Tonight, I am reminded that at this moment I not only need to accept the flesh/body that God has given me but also, fall in love with myself. If God can create the mountains, hills, valleys, oceans, flowers, butterflies and still see me as his greatest creation then why am I not beautiful inside and out. A lot of the reason why we constantly feel worthless is because we try to seek beauty through the eyes of the world. Even now I know God is like what is your identity in me Domonique? Haven’t I already to you who you are and who you belong to? Why don’t you believe me? We have to fall in love with ourselves by discovering ourselves through the eyes of God.

In this world I have seem myself fall short of God because of the things people have said about me in my past. Even from my childhood, I still go back and see what i wasn’t good enough in failing to see what I was good in. Today, now, I am working on loving who I am and the body God gave me because it is good. Inside and out there is beauty. I dont need bullies or people telling me what they see it only matters what God and I think and that’s who I become.

This post has went in a completely different direction then I originally hoped but I pray that it has spoken to someone. Here are a few points to ponder:

1. Is there an area in your life where God needs you to grow? (Level up)
2. Are you ignoring what could be hindering your growth in God?
3. Where has God healed you but you constantly turn back to? Why is it so easy to go back to something that God has clearly seen as a hindrance for his plans?

If you would like to leave a comment or response do as you please. Until next time here is a prayer.

“God, heavenly Father, I just want to acknowledge your presence and love. We welcome you into our hearts and spirits. You have a such an amazing love and eye for beauty. There is no way that we can live everyday and miss your fingerprints on this earth. God in this world it is so easy to get lost in the world of social media and the standards of earthly beauty. God help us not to feel pressured to live up to those standards. I pray that each person reading this blog will have a new perspective of beauty and will find a different love for themselves. God in areas where we are weak you make us strong. So as we continue throughout the days you have placed us on this earth let us not continue to live life without truly being healed from our past and situations. God teach us to love and ourselves so that we can love and treat others the way we want to be treated. God if we are ever hurting I pray for healing. God if we ever feel worthless I pray that you will give us worth. God if we ever feel insecure I pray you will give us confidence. Just as Jesus was born with the holy spirit God let the holy spirit tell us who you are in us. God let us know who our identity is in you once and for all. God I pray that we will not dwell in the past but move on to the future. (continue in silent prayer if needed) Amen.”

Keeping You Close

So I would like to apologize to my faithful but few weekly readers for not posting anything for three weeks. It has been challenging because every week God faithfully spoke a word to me while I was typing my feelings and thoughts away. I was also fasting and trying to focus on relentless prayer. I was spending roughly four or more hours sitting and talking to God. That may seem very extreme but I went from praying to God sometimes for one to three minutes to one and three hours. I was hungry for God and still am. Now, I am no longer in that season of waiting. I have been called to action on the other side of the country with people I don’t know with the common goal of being apart of God’s ministry. Missionary work is not comfortable and it can be draining so it comes to no surprise that I have been struggling to spend time with God on the same level that I was last month. I feel selfish because I want to spend time with the other people who are in this with me but I need that alone time with God. How do you balance both and why is it so hard for me to sacrifice my sleep when I never really sleep during school anyway? Then, I remember what I am called to do depends solely on letting God use me. That requires continuing my relationship with God even when I am called to action.

The wonderful man in the bible that I more recently love to read about is Nehemiah. He is perfect when it comes to being called by God. He was a continuous and relentless prayer. When he was called to action to go and rebuild the walls of Jerusalem he prayed, when he needed direction he prayed, when his enemies tried to destroy his progress he prayed. Through the outcome of being a humble, faithful, and praying continuously he was able to rebuild the walls and restore the altar of Jerusalem. I want to be like Nehemiah in this moment in my life. I need prayer. I want to rejoice and keep my faith in God even during those moments where everything seems to fall apart. I want to continue my relationship with God during this season in my life where I am called to action.

So today or tomorrow remember God during the chaos of everyday life and distractions continue to pray and don’t forgot the most important thing. Your relationship with God. Rest in the presence of God.

 

“Pray without Ceasing.” (KJV) 1 Thessalonians 5:17

“Pray constantly.” (CSB) 1 Thessalonians 5:17

“Pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (NIV) 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18

Are you still spending time and seeking God through this season?

Distractions Can Overpower the Truth

Dying to self is overwhelming. For one, there are way too many things my flesh craves. I have become so involved with the world that I have forgotten about God. When I say the world I mean the constant DISTRACTIONS. I don’t remember having to worry about this many things as a child. I’m sure twenty years ago people didn’t have to worry about half of the things we worry about now-a-days. Now we have cell phones, tablets, laptops, apple watches, technology at the tips of our fingers 24/7. I watched a video today and my heart broke. We live in a world that’s so distracted by trends and popularity. We spend so much time on our phones that we are slowly losing the little bit of humanity that is left in this world. How much time do we really spend on our phones and social media? How much time do we waste? Even when we are spending time with our family and friends we are on our phone? How much poison our we feeding our brains everyday? A lot of people can’t even face the reality of what’s going on around them.

I have been without my phone for five days now. It’s not by choice but I’m glad it stopped charging when it did. I idolize my phone. Whenever I have my phone I use it mostly to distract myself. I play a game for twenty minutes. I get on Facebook for an hour. Then, I get on Snapchat for thirty minutes. Next thing I know half of my day is gone. I have done nothing but look at other peoples lives and mess. I use my phone and it distracts me from God. It takes me away from the relationship I cane be creating with God. My flesh wants to keep up with the world but my spirit keeps warning me that the world won’t bring me peace or happiness. Only God can do that. If I continue to be distracted I could earn my way to hell.

One thing that scares me about the times we live in, we are losing our humanity. I don’t know how long it has been since you’ve read the book of revelations but all I can think about lately are the seven seals. Peace is gone. People are killing each word left and right. The cost of food is becoming ridiculous. There are so many people all over the world who are starving to death. People are dying for professing that Jesus Christ is the Lord and savior of their life. SO many people are professing with their tongues that they know God and yet do everything to be of the world but show no compassion, repent, or do the works that Jesus did and more. I am guilty.

We can’t twist the word of God by picking and choosing the things we like in the bible and ignoring the ones we don’t. It saddens me how people have become comfortable destroying others lives. We actually get a thrill off of others hurt. We live in a world comfortable with racism, prejudice, homosexuality, fortification, and over-sexualizing. How did humanity get here? Where are the Christians and believers who know God? How can we sit and do nothing while people tweet their way to hell? Are we (Christians and believers) destroying our own relationship with God. Are we slowly erasing our names from the book of lambs? So quiet and calm while we continue to support our family and friends way to hell. It’s not just social media. It’s agreeing not to stand for what we believe in. I see so many beginning their journey with God but who is encouraging them? Who can they look up to show them the truth?

The world is attacking the word of God. Even by typing this I am offending someone because it is the truth. By choosing to say nothing I am just as guilty. I have blood on my hands because I didn’t stand for the truth when I needed to. I was ashamed to declare the truth of God’s word. I was ashamed of what people would say behind my back, my friends.  But wasn’t Jesus beaten beyond recognition for preaching the true word of God.

What then can we say about these things? If God is for us, who is against? -Romans 8:31

We cannot NOT say anything and be quiet. That’s when the enemy gets his way. That’s when life is taken away and death comes in. Didn’t God give us authority over the world and the enemy? He did.

Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, according to our likeness. They will rule the fish of the sea, the birds of the sky, the livestock, the whole earth, and the creatures that crawl on the earth.” -Genesis 1:26

Look, I have given you the authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and over all the power of the enemy; nothing at all will harm you. -Luke 10:19

I have said all this to say let’s not get distracted by what seems to be normal in the world. The enemy will take the lead every time we get comfortable with those distractions. We were not called to this earth to be popular. Jesus was hated by many for declaring the truth. God has already chosen us and if you have chosen God back don’t be afraid or ashamed to claim him. Jesus suffered to bring glory and so will we.

Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every hindrance and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith. For the joy that lay before him, he endured the cross, despising the shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  -Hebrews 12:1-2

My prayer for us: Heavenly gracious father, your word is so amazing. The more we read the closer we get to you, and the more we understand your ways. Let us take the rest of the week and reflect on the distractions that maybe in or can be placed into our lives. Let us not live a life that craves popularity or the approval of the world but you. Father, help us understand your compassion and love for us. Help us to share the love you give us to the world. Father, we pray for the world. God let us be the change. Help us to be the change by being lights and showing compassion. Help us to be more like you and less of ourselves. God sent us a savior because you knew we couldn’t handle this life on our owns. With a savior came the spirit of life that lives inside us. Help us to not be ashamed to stand for the truth in your word. When you call on us to speak us let our voices respond clearly. God if we have ever been ashamed to speak your truth. Your word says in 2 Timothy 1:7 that the Spirit you gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.  We are not perfect God. You made us in your likeness and gave us all the same authority and power. Keep us pure God. Let us repent for ourselves and for the times you gave us the opportunity to speak the truth and we didn’t. God bless every person reading this blog. May the grace of God cover you and bless you. Amen.

 

Even When It Hurts (In the Kingdom On Earth, Growth Doesn’t Come Easy)

Where do I begin….

I wasn’t going to post a thing today because I had a bad week. I was put to the test and I feel like I failed and passed. It was so hard. I was angry and confused. Y’all I was having a great time and had no problems in life, you know what I mean. I was fasting. Enjoying Jesus, his presence, glory, and honor. Then, God decided to send the devil and test me like his faithful and humble servant Job. I didn’t ask God to test me but he saw me fit. The sprit of death began to attack me.

On Sunday, I went to church. Something felt off but I knew I was in the right place for deliverance. I was uneasy but sure enough I praised and worshipped God. I felt better and went to the altar. The next day, I did what I normally do being out of school and all(remained stress-free and spent time in the word). That evening I went to choir practice. Y’all when I say the worship team worshipped God at practice. I have never experience worship at a choir practice before. IT WAS AMAZING. So, naturally I felt like I could do anything when I got back home. Then, to my surprise, as soon as I opened the door… All HELL broke loose. At that moment, God TESTED me like he did Job. He literally had a conversation with the devil and told him he could test me. I had my first fight with my mom and sister since I had been back home. I was hurt and felt alone. I went back my childhood of brokenness! I asked God, “how can you love me? How can anyone love me? I’m not worthy. Why am I so hurt and angry? God I’m trying to restore these relationships in my life and you just made them worse. I’m trying to get closer to you God. My family is going to judge me because my anger got the best of me and I wasn’t trying to. If you love me then why am I hurting so bad. How could you put me through this? I don’t want to live anymore God.”

I WAS SO HURT. It hurt so bad. I WAS SO ANGRY. I didn’t understand WHY I felt like everyone was against me or WHY nobody understood me or believed me. I was more upset with myself than anybody else. For the first time in years I thought about suicide. The spirit of death came for me! I said no I can’t. The next day I didn’t speak to anybody. I didn’t feel worthy. I was ashamed and angry. I didn’t want to speak to God because it felt like he had failed me. I went the entire day not listening or talking to God. I called myself being a rebel and watching the shows I said I would stop watching (even though I felt bad and started deleting and stopped the recording of all the shows). I was once again IN MY FEELINGS.

The very next morning, Wednesday, conviction came over me. I woke up and immediately started crying. I mean I was balling my eyes out. It was one of those ugly, grab your stomach and fall over cries. I did this for 10 to 20 minutes asking God what happened Monday. He finally answered me and said FORGIVENESS.

You see my childhood was full of anger and confusion. When I say I was probably the first depressed four-year-old the world has ever seen. I was. It wasn’t that my family didn’t love me. I just went through a lot of changes at once (divorce). I started to keep things to myself and be by myself. Sometimes I was emotionally abused which caused me to take everything personally and that carried into my adulthood. All of this because I had not forgiven my family for the simple things. Things they didn’t even realized hurt my feelings as a child. I had been carrying unnecessary hurt. All of these things started to go through my mind. I was tried of the hurt I was carrying. It drag me down in areas of my life I didn’t know existed. I immediately fell to my knees and started asking God for forgiveness. I remember pleading for God to take the wheel.

“Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hands. Cause I can’t take this road I’m on. I’m letting go.” – Carrie Underwood (“Jesus Take the Wheel”)

I think this week was important. I passed a test. With that comes growth.

I turned away from God for an entire day. I thought this lifestyle change is not worth it God if I still suffer and have set backs. Boohoo Domonique. GOD DIDN’T PROMISE US A HARDSHIP-FREE LIFE ON EARTH. We have to go through trails and tribulations to LEVEL UP (as the pastor says). When we go through these challenges we become restored and refreshed. Now that I look back, that was the dumbest and unnecessary disagreement in the world. I keep looking back and saying God I am such a drama queen. That was so small but it was necessary because it with it came the realization of bondage and hurt. It redirecting my thinking/feelings and reassured me to keep seeking the wisdom of God. I cannot abandon the ship because life gets hard. Proverbs 1:32-33 says,

“For the apostasy (falling away, withdrawal) of the inexperience will kill them, and the complacency of fools will destroy them. But whoever listens to me will live surely and be undisturbed by the dread of danger.” CSB

Don’t be like me and try to turn away from God. Ironically enough it could have killed me. Even when it hurts keep your eyes on God. He puts us through a test with a purpose. I would never know that I was holding on to that hurt. There may be areas in your life that still need healing from your past. God will always be with you. This week he healed and strengthen me in an area I thought was over, anger. But he restores.

Even when it hurts keep your eyes on God. You never know how strong you will come back up. LEVEL UP. Don’t stay in your comfort zone. God is trying to take your relationship with him to the next level. I encourage you to let him heal and deliver you. Trust in the Lord. Even when it hurts.

Praise God!

Letting Go!! Journaling (God Knew Jeh. 29:11)

Oh Lord. I love pouring my heart out to you. Excuse my personal and exposed rant, journal’s log here. I don’t feel like writing today. I just want to type my feelings out.

Man this week has been challenging. I can’t say that I have never knew God before three weeks ago, but I can say that I have never had a desire or burning sensation to read the bible and discover God’s love for myself. I didn’t know what I was doing or where to start. Thankfully, the Lord blessed me with a bible that gives devotionals and meanings to the text a few weeks ago. So, after waiting and listening to God, I started my new journey of discovering God’s word and truth by reading the book of Psalms. I read and meditated.

“Instead, his delight is in the Lord’s instruction, and he meditates on it day and night. He is like a tree planted beside flowing streams that bears its fruit in its season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.”               -Psalms 1:2-3 CBS

I never understood what pastors meant when they said read the word and meditate on it. When I was younger I was like WHAT?? Does the pastor want me to do yoga and read the bible? I know I was a dramatic child lol. Now that I am older I understand what, how, and the importance of meditating on God’s word. My version of meditation and reflection has been writing out notecards with the bible verse on the blank side and on the side of the card with lines, writing down words that came to mind when I read the verse. You know I have started memorizing the verses. For example, yesterday and today I was preaching to God. Literally, I was preaching the word of God to GOD and MYSELF! God put it on my heart to preach what I was feeling and so I did. I found myself quoting scriptures and when I didn’t feel comfortable quoting the scripture I picked up my bible and went straight to the bible verse. I felt the spirit of God flowing all through my body. I was full of joy and just smiling, crying and laughing (dramatic still lol). God moved when I started preaching. I said, “I don’t know who this is for but God said….” I was so in my feelings lol. I was preaching the word of God and blessing my spirit at the same time. Anyway, I have been remembering bible verses.

Speaking of remembering, I listened to an amazing spirit-led worship singer, Steffany Gretzinger, preach a sermon about worship. It was funny because I had just spoke to God about wanting to know more about worship and why we do it last week. Then, all of a sudden while I was listening to Steffany sing “King of My Heart,” this video comes on. At first I was like, what is this. As soon as I said that the holy spirit told me to sit down and listen to what she was saying. I was so confused because she was joking at first (Now, I realize I’m in need of a sense of humor). Can you say I sat there smiling, crying, and laughing. I was full of joy and conviction. (I don’t know how you have both but I did). For the second time on Monday I was led to the story of creation. AMAZING TESTIMONY and word from God.

I hope you have time this week or make time to watch it. I don’t think my worship will ever be the same after it.

Man, I love how God has been putting conviction into my heart and making me think about some of the things I do. The holy spirit will keep you in check. Right now God has me in a small season of waiting. I have finish the semester, have no job, at my mother’s house with nothing to do and no car. I only have three weeks  left exactly on Thursday, May 17. Then, God has called me to serve his ministry in a different state. Until then, I find myself folding laundry and having the holy spirit hit me. I mean the spirit of God in my laundry room. I just start praying. Sometimes, the opposite happens and I start going back to my flesh. I start thinking about past relationships and things that I think I miss. Then, I remember how deceiving the enemy is and he comes like a thief in the night. I say, “flesh you better HUSH! I told you that your time of ruling this body is over. You better listen to the SPIRIT. It’s time for it to lead you.” And just like that I change the conversation of doubt and what ifs. It’s not easy though. NOT EASY. But, I also know that God knew that. This is exactly why Jesus left his throne, became the flesh, died, and defeated death. Our flesh needed guidance from the sin on earth.

” What law could not do since it was weakened by the flesh, God did. He condemned sin in the flesh by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh as a sin offering, in order that the law’s requirement would be fulfilled in us who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.” Romans 8:3-4 CSB

I’m so happy that God has given me a season to wait and prepare. I feel like a person that hasn’t drunk any water in weeks (dying of thrist) and the more I read the more God the more he is filling this thirst that I didn’t know I had.

Praise God for helping me remember my true self, restore my past, and reconnecting my relationship with him. I appreciate every fault in my life because it has caused me to be thankful for the trails and tribulations and to be humble. I just keep praying that I will remain humble. Thank you God for letting me get to love love you for myself. Thank you for an amazing week in your presence! Amen.

Side note. I forgot to give my answers to the study I have been doing on Nehemiah by Weirsebe. When it comes to serving in the ministry: Are we like Nehemiah, anxious to know the truth even about the worst situation? Is our interest born of concern or idle curiosity? When we read missionary prayer letters, the news in religion periodicals, or even our church’s ministry reports, do we want the facts or do the facts burden us? I know that while I was reading this today, I realized two things. I adore and respect people who weep like Nehemiah, Jeremiah or the Lord Jesus Christ. When I witness a sad or devastating situations will I weep and share the burden because I care? Will I soften my heart like Jesus? Going back to the questions, whenever I am called to serve I want to know the truth even about the worst situations. I do not wish to have idle curiosity or live faking mt emotions. I think people are not real in the house of Lord anymore. There are a lot of fake sympathic believers. People don’t face the truth or care. I want to embody compassion and a love that fuels determination like Nehemiah. I want to turn the bad news into joy. I want to turn burdens into restorations and redemption. I know that God has not called us to witness burdens and do nothing, but to pray, fast, and weep tears that will produce fruit. If I’m lacking compassion and sympathy for others God I pray you will open my eyes. If I show no interest or have a lack of interest in things that should touch my heart bring back the fruits of the spirit. I see so much of this missing in the church. Bring back that compassion to your house and the world God. Amen.

 

Straying from Purpose. (Truth in Your Value- A Testimony)

My life has been a constant back and forth between choosing God and not choosing God. Why? I constantly struggle with feeding my flesh versus feeding my spirit. I think now more than ever I have become more aware of how separate the two are. What do you mean? I mean I was living a FLESHish lifestyle. I woke up everyday thinking “What can I do for me today?” My flesh and I would say things like, “Let’s eat a whole box of meat lovers pizza. We deserve it because we studied kinda hard and somebody did the same but made a better grade than us.” Or when I really wanted to make a risky decision my flesh and I would say, “It’s okay to have sex. Imagine how good it will make us feel. I mean such-and-such is fine. Girl you have been good for a year and still God hasn’t sent you a man. We can just repent later. He’s a good guy and he will leave if you don’t.” See how reassuring the flesh can be. Later, I would cry and hate God for making me fat or letting me experience the hurt in another guy who just wanted sex rather than a relationship.

For the longest my flesh told me it was okay for me to live a luke-warm Christian life style, because other people who were living without God lived better lives than me. LIES. LIES. LIES. The things I said to make the version of God I created okay. What was I making God? Last minute. A door mat. Something to wipe away the mud off the bottom of my shoes, the mess I had created. I only turned to God when it was convenient or the popular thing to do. It’s so easy to live in the world. That’s not who God is. He is our creator and way maker.

I realize now that I had become lost in my identity. I turned to food, people, and my flesh to tell me my worth. The more I accused God for my faults the less I trusted him.

God gives us so many relevant stories in the bible. Even David struggled with who he was in God and purpose:

“When I look at the night sky and see the work of your fingers—the moon and the stars you set in place— what are mere mortals that you should think about them, human beings that you should care for them? Yet you made them only a little lower than God and crowned them with glory and honor. You gave them charge of everything you made, putting all things under their authority—”
-Psalms 8:3-6 NIV

When I first read this, I immediately thought about creation. God made all of these beautiful things. Then, he created you and me. Not only did he create human beings but he made us in his image, and gave us glory and honor. He even gave us authority over everything he created. I felt so important when I read these verses. I kept saying to my flesh, ” I AM IMPORTANT. I AM VAULABLE!” God didn’t make us less important than animals he made us more important. God’s word tells us many times how valuable we are. In Matthew, he tells us if he can provide and show love to the animals that he gave us authority over, then of course he will provide and show love to us.

“Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are?” -Matthew 6:26 NIV

If God can provide for birds, who continue to have quite a large and healthy population, then why can’t he provide for me? Why is it that I think I’m not good enough? Why is it that I look for people to find my authority? Why do I turn to people to tell me my worth?

My flesh has been the head of my life for a long time. I am so tired of letting it take control over my soul and body. I have been redeemed and God’s love never fails and it has never left me. Even the days when I feel so low i.e. eating a whole box of meat lovers pizza or having sex to feel love. My flesh doesn’t have the answers or the correct applications of life. What I can say is that I have been missing an important part of my walk with Christ. MY SPIRIT.

“For just as the body without the spirit is dead, so also faith without works is dead.”  -James 2:26 CSB

How do I know I have been living life without my spirit? I rely on my flesh for answers. I have also become a secondhand Christian. That’s when you depend on believers or other Christians for a word from God rather than studying and listening to God yourself. I’m tired of living life depending on that one Christian friend to give me advice on who God is and what he can do instead, I’m learning to seek God for myself.

Although I was bold and sought God at the age of 12, now at 24 I want to discover God and his purpose for my life. I have been living in revival the past year. God has truly resuscitated my life. It hasn’t been easy, but I will remain.

“How can a young man keep his way pure? By keeping your word. I have sought you with all my heart; don’t let me wander from your commands.”  -Psalms 119: 9-10 CSB

Are you avoiding a relationship with God? Is your flesh becoming comfortable being of the world rather than of God? I hope you will seek God’s truth. I hope that you will seek a relationship with God and invest time into his word.

Let us pray:

“Father, you are so holy. You do not punish us. For the bible says you do not punish us according to our sins but you remove our transgressions. Let us not compare the calling that you have for others to ourselves. I pray that you open our hearts and let us be a walking testimony of the truth of your word. I pray that we will share your love this week. God when we don’t know or question the plans you have for our lives I pray that you will show us constant signs of your love and mercy. I pray that you will send us scriptures of reassurance. May you bless each and every person reading this. I pray that you will take away any doubt. Let us understand that your love is unfailing, loyal, constant and pure. We love you God. You will never leave our side. You gave each and every one of us a purpose. Bring life into our spirits again. Help us to call forth our spirit and allow our spirit to lead our flesh. In Jesus’s name I pray. Amen.”