Oh Lord. I love pouring my heart out to you. Excuse my personal and exposed rant, journal’s log here. I don’t feel like writing today. I just want to type my feelings out.
Man this week has been challenging. I can’t say that I have never knew God before three weeks ago, but I can say that I have never had a desire or burning sensation to read the bible and discover God’s love for myself. I didn’t know what I was doing or where to start. Thankfully, the Lord blessed me with a bible that gives devotionals and meanings to the text a few weeks ago. So, after waiting and listening to God, I started my new journey of discovering God’s word and truth by reading the book of Psalms. I read and meditated.
“Instead, his delight is in the Lord’s instruction, and he meditates on it day and night. He is like a tree planted beside flowing streams that bears its fruit in its season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.” -Psalms 1:2-3 CBS
I never understood what pastors meant when they said read the word and meditate on it. When I was younger I was like WHAT?? Does the pastor want me to do yoga and read the bible? I know I was a dramatic child lol. Now that I am older I understand what, how, and the importance of meditating on God’s word. My version of meditation and reflection has been writing out notecards with the bible verse on the blank side and on the side of the card with lines, writing down words that came to mind when I read the verse. You know I have started memorizing the verses. For example, yesterday and today I was preaching to God. Literally, I was preaching the word of God to GOD and MYSELF! God put it on my heart to preach what I was feeling and so I did. I found myself quoting scriptures and when I didn’t feel comfortable quoting the scripture I picked up my bible and went straight to the bible verse. I felt the spirit of God flowing all through my body. I was full of joy and just smiling, crying and laughing (dramatic still lol). God moved when I started preaching. I said, “I don’t know who this is for but God said….” I was so in my feelings lol. I was preaching the word of God and blessing my spirit at the same time. Anyway, I have been remembering bible verses.
Speaking of remembering, I listened to an amazing spirit-led worship singer, Steffany Gretzinger, preach a sermon about worship. It was funny because I had just spoke to God about wanting to know more about worship and why we do it last week. Then, all of a sudden while I was listening to Steffany sing “King of My Heart,” this video comes on. At first I was like, what is this. As soon as I said that the holy spirit told me to sit down and listen to what she was saying. I was so confused because she was joking at first (Now, I realize I’m in need of a sense of humor). Can you say I sat there smiling, crying, and laughing. I was full of joy and conviction. (I don’t know how you have both but I did). For the second time on Monday I was led to the story of creation. AMAZING TESTIMONY and word from God.
I hope you have time this week or make time to watch it. I don’t think my worship will ever be the same after it.
Man, I love how God has been putting conviction into my heart and making me think about some of the things I do. The holy spirit will keep you in check. Right now God has me in a small season of waiting. I have finish the semester, have no job, at my mother’s house with nothing to do and no car. I only have three weeks left exactly on Thursday, May 17. Then, God has called me to serve his ministry in a different state. Until then, I find myself folding laundry and having the holy spirit hit me. I mean the spirit of God in my laundry room. I just start praying. Sometimes, the opposite happens and I start going back to my flesh. I start thinking about past relationships and things that I think I miss. Then, I remember how deceiving the enemy is and he comes like a thief in the night. I say, “flesh you better HUSH! I told you that your time of ruling this body is over. You better listen to the SPIRIT. It’s time for it to lead you.” And just like that I change the conversation of doubt and what ifs. It’s not easy though. NOT EASY. But, I also know that God knew that. This is exactly why Jesus left his throne, became the flesh, died, and defeated death. Our flesh needed guidance from the sin on earth.
” What law could not do since it was weakened by the flesh, God did. He condemned sin in the flesh by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh as a sin offering, in order that the law’s requirement would be fulfilled in us who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.” Romans 8:3-4 CSB
I’m so happy that God has given me a season to wait and prepare. I feel like a person that hasn’t drunk any water in weeks (dying of thrist) and the more I read the more God the more he is filling this thirst that I didn’t know I had.
Praise God for helping me remember my true self, restore my past, and reconnecting my relationship with him. I appreciate every fault in my life because it has caused me to be thankful for the trails and tribulations and to be humble. I just keep praying that I will remain humble. Thank you God for letting me get to love love you for myself. Thank you for an amazing week in your presence! Amen.
Side note. I forgot to give my answers to the study I have been doing on Nehemiah by Weirsebe. When it comes to serving in the ministry: Are we like Nehemiah, anxious to know the truth even about the worst situation? Is our interest born of concern or idle curiosity? When we read missionary prayer letters, the news in religion periodicals, or even our church’s ministry reports, do we want the facts or do the facts burden us? I know that while I was reading this today, I realized two things. I adore and respect people who weep like Nehemiah, Jeremiah or the Lord Jesus Christ. When I witness a sad or devastating situations will I weep and share the burden because I care? Will I soften my heart like Jesus? Going back to the questions, whenever I am called to serve I want to know the truth even about the worst situations. I do not wish to have idle curiosity or live faking mt emotions. I think people are not real in the house of Lord anymore. There are a lot of fake sympathic believers. People don’t face the truth or care. I want to embody compassion and a love that fuels determination like Nehemiah. I want to turn the bad news into joy. I want to turn burdens into restorations and redemption. I know that God has not called us to witness burdens and do nothing, but to pray, fast, and weep tears that will produce fruit. If I’m lacking compassion and sympathy for others God I pray you will open my eyes. If I show no interest or have a lack of interest in things that should touch my heart bring back the fruits of the spirit. I see so much of this missing in the church. Bring back that compassion to your house and the world God. Amen.